Audience jokes

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"

Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert?

To NAVIGATE his way through the CROWD.

Why did the rapper bring a vacuum to the concert?

So the haters could SUCK on him!

I just wanna say thanks to everyone who favorited my jokes and commented! Thanks!

When you went to an ugly competition, the judges said, "No professionals allowed."

A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.

The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.

Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

You really can't call Stalin bad. Just think about the people that wanted to die.

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

I tried to write the shortest joke ever, so I wrote a two-word joke, which was "Dwarf Shortage." It's just so I could pack more jokes into the show.

Dark jokes are just like water.

Not everybody gets it.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.

I would tell a Biden joke except everyone would not stop falling asleep (including him).