Audience jokes
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
I wasn't going to tell another emo joke, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.
What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?
"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
This song is sus, because I’m happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the root. What are you clapping?
Why did the rapper bring a vacuum to the concert?
So the haters could SUCK on him!
Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?
A feminist.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Why did the rapper bring a basketball to the concert?
To drop some SLAM DUNKS on the mic!
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.
You really can't call Stalin bad. Just think about the people that wanted to die.
Why did the rapper bring a shovel to the concert?
Because he was about to BURY the COMPETITION!
I don’t like to tell school shooter jokes because they are usually aimed at a younger audience.
1) Did you hear the one about the school shooting? Actually, I better not... You wouldn't understand, it's aimed more towards a younger audience.
2) 6 was scared cuz 7 8 9, so why was 10 scared? Because it was in between 9/11.
3) 10 dead babies.
What did the Ford Mustang say to the crowd of innocent people?
I'D HIT THAT!
What did the mic say to the rapper?
"Don’t DROP me, bro!"
*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.