Girlfriend

Emotionless husk

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Man

Lincoln

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

Uncle

Anonymous

Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.

Man

cynthia

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

Puns

Heathens-Outcasts

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor

Give

boi

what do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

showing them the ropes.

Trump

Not A Trump Supporter.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Orphan

J0K35

What show does an orphan hate?

Family Guy.

Light

Jason

“did you go to the light show?”

“Yeah it was lit”

Morning

Anonymous

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “Ive kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

Feminist

Anonymous

Who goes to a comedian show and get’s offended

A feminist

Dad

oof

I told my friend yesterday he’s literally my dad.

He didn’t show up for the rest of the year.

Orphan

AJ

What is an orphan’s favorite show? Batman.

Butterfly

Daniel King

Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?

He wanted to see a floor show.

People

JB

Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a padophile however I think that’s a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8 year olds

Sally

Anonymous

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper

Depression

Anonymous

An obese depressed mother is trying to tie a noose but can’t reach it so she calls her son for help a few minutes later son: there mother: where did you learn to tie such a good noose? son: dad showed me before he died mother: DAM HIM TO HE- slips and noose chokes her to death

Puns

Gay Thing

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late??

A cold shoulder

German

Anonymous

Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven

Girl

Aleksandr

What do TVs and girls have in common ? They both show you stuff when you turn them on!

Loading...