Asked jokes

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

"I want to know who this fake me is! I haven't even posted or commented on anything bad or said a curse. I am very kindly asking you to stop."

I saw a little kid cry. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. Jeez, I love working at the orphanage!

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

A man walks into an AA meeting and asks for a roadmap.

The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?

"You can take a run and jump!"

What did Henry VIII say when he was asked to review Six the Musical?

"It was okay, but I really think they could have cut a few parts."

The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.

I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.

What is my favourite word?

When Stephen Hawking's teacher asked him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

He said, "Six foot four."

Yo mama so dumb, when her computer was asking for cookies, she grabbed a cookie, smashed it onto the screen, and broke the computer.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"