Asked jokes

What did Henry VIII say when he was asked to review Six the Musical?

"It was okay, but I really think they could have cut a few parts."

An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.

He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.

Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.

When Stephen Hawking's teacher asked him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

He said, "Six foot four."

What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?

"You can take a run and jump!"

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.

I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.

What is my favourite word?

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"

Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.

One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.

"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."

I got kicked off Ancestry for asking if anyone wants to fuh.

Every one is talking about glory holes, so I decided to look into one.

I was doing renovations on a house and found a wall with a glory hole. I was going to remodel it, but it's load bearing. I asked a gay carpenter how to fix this, and he advised that I check out the studs first to make sure they were uncut.

Eventually, I gave up and just put my nuts through the hole. Now they're walnuts.

So there were these two wind turbines standing in a field, and one of them asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other thinks for a moment and says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I was in bio when my teacher asked what would happen if all predators were gone in an ecosystem.

The kid in the back raised his hand and said, "So what IS gonna happen to you?"

Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...

I had a teacher named Mr. Stubs. I asked why he was given that name, and he replied, "My parents said my limbs were spare parts."

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Q. What do you call a prostitute who asks too many questions?

A. An intrusive thot.

Why do Jews suck at mugging?

Because all they ask for is the spare change in your pockets.

Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.

About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."

Mom asked, "Why?"

Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"