Ares jokes
Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!
Fruit, vegetables, my arms.
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."
How are orphans like Spider-Man?
No way home.
Twin Towers are like genders, there used to be 2.
Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
Are you a train because I want to get railed by you? ;)
Why are the two friends like the Twin Towers?
They fell apart.
85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.
(Teach me your ways, 15%.)
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Literally no one: Why can't you hear the pterodactyl?
Random person: I don't know.
No one: BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTINCT!
Random person: Ha, cool, I guess.
If someone has a hyperfixation with drawing and playing, does that mean they are on the "artism" spectrum?
Never trust a donkey; they are always full of shit.
Are multiple choice questions too easy?
A) Yes.
Why are Helen Keller jokes so funny?
Because she’s blind and deaf.
Dark jokes are just like water.
Not everybody gets it.
Hippity hoppity, you are no one's property.