Animal jokes
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
Q: What do you get when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: Udder destruction!
Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because he was riding the chicken!
When you are eating delicious street food in China and you ask the chef: You: "Is this chicken?" Chef: "No, its meow meow."
What is the difference between a cow and a chicken?
It's white and it's brown.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?
It's chocolate chimp.
How did Gertie Gorilla make the Playboy magazine?
She was ape-ril!
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird.
Who is the gorilla's favorite president of the most recent years? It's Hairy Truman.
A cow in an earthquake is called a milkshake.
Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse.
Would you help your uncle "Jack" off the horse?
A flock of swallows were migrating south as a jet flew past them.
"Why was that one flying so fast?" asked one. Another answers, "Can't you see his tail is burning?"
What do sloths and depressed people have in common?
They both hang from the tree.
What do you call a bird with no wings?
Moas didn't even know that existed!
I got in a cage fight.
The hamster didn't know what hit him!
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
What does the chicken say when he didn't understand something?
"What hap-HENd?"