When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Your hairline is so long that sometimes even the president doesn't know where it ends.
God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.
THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Why would the chicken not cross the road?
Because it's too old. (The joke is old.) (The chicken is old.)
Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?
Friends: What?
Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.
On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jacksonβs last boyfriend?
Most people my age have had sex. Not my fault I'm not able to fit in.
As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.
My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."
In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.
In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Presidents are normal, physically.
Biden: Trips over a f***ing stair.
Random guy: Hi, how old are you?
Me: 15
The guy: You're so young, age is just a number.
Me: Do you know what else is a number?
The guy: What?
Me: 911
My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.
Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
What's harder than steel? Joe Biden at a playground.
