Afterlife jokes

Why isn't Stephen Hawking going to heaven?

Because he's British.

For his sake, I hope that heaven is wheelchair accessible...

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno

Ever wondered how Jesus got rid of the cross that killed him?

Burned it in a hellish fire to make some firewood.

What if death is hell because there is no bridge to heaven?

I want to die to see the other side, but if I die I won't know anybody on the other side.

When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"

"Where ya going?"

"When I die, hell, but right now, my room."

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

How did Jesus kill himself?

He fell from his bike.

How many times did he die?

Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.

When I die, I want my body to be cremated.

And fucked! Fucked really hard, papí!! Like a real whore!! Like a real tramp!! Stuff your entire cock in there!!! Uhh!! Uhh!!

Why are graveyards so noisy?

Because of all the coffin!

Jesus told me if I believed I would live for eternity. I believed, but at 97 I died...

I think Jesus is broken.

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

That's why your grandma 6 ft deep, feet!

My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.

Why Satan didn't stop sending messages to God about hell?

'Cause they made a juice out of him.