Afterlife jokes

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

Want to know something? Jason and Michael Myers had to watch their family while they have to live forever. That's why they kill; they're trying to make people experience what they did.

Are you a gravestone?

Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?

Myla: I went to a restaurant.

Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?

Timmy: I went to a concert.

Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?

Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.

Your mama is so fat, she broke the stairs to Heaven.

Orgasm means two things:

1. During you masturbate.

2. You torture phantoms.

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

Why did the student at Blacktown Girls cross the road? To go to heaven. HAHAHA

Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

Sanity to live: I don't know?

Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

Sanity to live? *dies*

Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

Sanity to live: *resurrected*

Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

(sponsored by jumping bridges)

What do you call two skeletons dancing in a tin can?

Noise!

Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?

Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

Teacher: He did not.

Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

Suzy: Then you can ask him.

You're so poor that you die and go to the backrooms.

Beethoven composed his whole life.

What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!

Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.

Teacher: Why not?

Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.