Afterlife jokes
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
Should I burn heaven?
In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."
Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.
He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
Orgasm means two things:
1. During you masturbate.
2. You torture phantoms.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
Cremation, the last chance to have a smoking hot body.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?
He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
Why didn’t Stephen Hawking go to heaven? Because it’s a staircase, not a ramp.