Aed jokes
What do you call the middle of a penny?
A center (get it? Cent-er).
I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
What do super fancy music conductors wear?
A Louis baton.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They stuck a plunger down the toilet.
My friend threw a soccer ball at a disabled kid.
We all yelled "Rocket league!"
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
Why are there no women in the NFL?
Commissioner Roger Goodell firmly believes in equal opportunity, so the girl tries out. Then, if she makes the team, we gangbang her to death. I mean, could you imagine what a scary birch she'd have to be?
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Die.
Die who?
Me, I want to die.
Why are Deepika Amar's jokes so shit? Because he is a smelly cunt.
What do you call a knight that has one arm? A first battle night.
What do you call a knight that lost both arms? A two battle useless knight.
Roses are red, That's a tin can, You have no home, So get in the van!
What do you call disabled people that follow politics?
A special interest group.
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
Why do orphans like Minecraft? So they can build a home...
But a creeper blows it up.