Aed jokes
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?
Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.
How do you properly eat a vegetable?
You tip over the wheelchair.
My love life.
What do you call an overly clingy child?
A tumor.
There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
What does a mermaid do when she gets hurt?
Goes to the nurse shark.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a Risk I was willing to take.
Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?
Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.
Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
A blonde walks into a bar.
Ouch.
Your mom is so ugly she made a blind kid cry.
Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."
He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.
Q. What type of flour do orphans get?
A. Self-raising flour.