Aed jokes

Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

A man went to a Ford dealership hoping to find a car, but he said they weren't affordable.

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

Why is 3 such a helpful number? Because 3 helped out on a science project 4 5!

How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?

They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"

What's a duck's favorite drug?

Cwack.

I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

What does a Jamaican guy say to an Asian?

Poke me, mon.

What’s one thing that a gay person is scared of?

A gay guy that’s straight!

What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.

Why did the Indian cross the road?

Because he opened a corner shop on the other side.

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

What does a South African Batman wear? A cape.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.