Aed jokes
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.
Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
What does a rock and a girl have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.