Aed jokes

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

it was just a prank bro.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

A black man entered a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "That looks exotic, where’d you get it?"

"Africa," the parrot responded.

Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.

If a midget walks up to you and tells you your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?

Who is the best at musical chairs?

The kid in the wheelchair.

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.