Aed jokes

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?

Fingering A minor.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."