Aed jokes
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.
Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
Amber Heard's Morning Routine
Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broom.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.
(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts
Wanna hear a terrible joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.