Aed jokes

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.

What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?

Phill Ming.

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?

Both have eight legs.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

Amber Heard's Morning Routine

Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that little thing?

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.