Aed jokes
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩⚕️?
Because he had a sour stomach.
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
What do KFC and a brothel have in common?
They’re both full of greasy chicks.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed." The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong." The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.
Aliana is so fat, she can't fit through a hula hoop.
One little orphan had roast beef, the other had none.
One little orphan went to market, the other stayed home. Wait a second.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
So as to not smash his head against the tree.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. (Wing, wing, halo.)
What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?
"Want me to pack your shit?"
Yesterday I had a party.
I got questioned about five dead kids locked up in a box.
I did that when I was 13. Damn, I forgot about them!
I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!
Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
What is it called when corn stalks have a baby?
The cream of the crop.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.