Aed jokes
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.
Q. What type of flour do orphans get?
A. Self-raising flour.
A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
Q: What do you call a cranky cow?
A: Moooooooody.
What do tigers wear in the winter?
A striped sweater.
Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.