Aed jokes
Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
What do you call a fat midget?
Jigglypuff.
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
BaBOOM!
"Don't break a person's heart, they only have one."
"Yeah, break their bones instead... they have over 200 of those :)"
Why couldn't the pony sing a song?
He was a little horse.
How do you stun a Scotsman?
Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".
POV: me telling a joke.
My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.
Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
What do you call a man shopping? A half-grown carton of cheese.
Why did the cat meow?
Because it's a cat, and they meow.
Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.
My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
What’s a lesbian’s favorite sport? Dodge balls.
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.