Aed jokes
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.
A collection of 911 jokes.
What kinda pizza did they order at 911?
Plane.
What was the color of 911?
Plane.
What is the fastest way to see 911?
Plane.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
What do you call Stephen Hawking on a bungy jump?
Spasticelastic.
Why did Michael Jackson love melted chocolate? Because he could pour it on his cock, then get a prepubescent boy to suck it off.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
What do you call a vagina with teeth?
A vicious cunt.
What do a priest and a McDonalds have in common?
They both slide their meat in 10 year old buns.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!