Aed jokes
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
He was telling the truth in a different way...
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
What is an emo's least favorite game?
Cut the rope.
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
What's a mentally retarded person's favorite color? Clear.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷
Teacher: Okay class, what's a word that begins with A?
Student: Apple!
Teacher: Good! What's a word beginning with B?
Student:....Bitch...
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.