Aed jokes

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

Because they can't get a green card.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper. Because a huge rock is headed towards Earth, and paper covers rock.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”