Aed jokes
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
Why do orphans want to be communist?
So they would have a motherland.
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What's the best part about a dead prostitute?
The second hour is free.
What do you call a German lesbian?
A krautmuncher.
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.
What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?
SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.
You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.