Aed jokes

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

What do you call a pessimistic Mexican?

A Mexican't.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

Osama's aim was horrible. One of his angry birds missed and hit a field in Pennsylvania.

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

Q: What's stronger than family?

A: Whatever tree Paul Walker hit.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A "MASTER-BAITER".

The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."

The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."

I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.

Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.

My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don't get them!

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

Trump is going too far.

He deported a printer because it didn't have papers.