Aed jokes

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Yo mama so stupid, she stared at a juice box because it said concentrate.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

What's in a Michael Jackson hotdog?

A 50-year-old piece of meat.

A 12-year-old bun.

A lion, Johnny Depp, and a hockey player from Nashville all have one thing in common.

They're all Predators!

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."

Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”

Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.