Aed jokes
I talk with a friend about something and there comes Quandangle, things with his shoes, and I'm just like, "Bro, what the heeeeel?"
Why do dictators always eat without leaving anything on the plate?
Because they can't leave a piece (peace).
What are the first four letters of the alphabet?
Mum: (noticing the child's hair is too long) "You need a haircut."
Brother: (winning a game on PlayStation) "Yes! Get in!"
Uncle: (making plans) "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."
Aunt: (singing a song from the show after overhearing the conversation) "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."
Next day...
Student: I know the alphabet.
Teacher: OK, go on.
Student: "You need a haircut."
Teacher: How dare you make comments like this! Do you want to go to the headteacher?
Student: "Yes! Get in!"
Teacher: What do you think you're going to be doing?
Student: "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."
*In headteacher's office*
Headteacher: Now, I hear you were very rude to the literacy teacher earlier. What do you have to say for yourself?
Student: "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."
A Liverpool fan walks into a bar and holds onto the furniture because they feel unsteady...
"You'll never walk alone!"
All these showstoppers and technical challenges and I still can't get your signature.
All these bows and arrows and I'd still give more of Jeremy Renner's work a shot.
What's a darts player's favorite drink? One hundred and eight-tea!
I asked a librarian if they had a section with Rocky Horror books.
She said: "Sure, just take a jump to the left and then a step to the right."
It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"
He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."
So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."
Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"
I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."
I tried to make a necrophilia joke, but it was dead in the water.
What is the best way to pick a woman at a bar?
Spike her drink with roofies
How do you fit 4 gay guys on 1 barstool?
Turn it upside down and shove a leg up each of their asses.
Why do you not go to a gay man's BBQ?
Because the hotdogs taste like shit.
Why are orphans so bad at playing poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
FBI wants my penis, can I hide it in you?
What do a woman construction worker and a woman activist have in common?
They just stand there and hold the sign.
If a woman’s version of marriage is "happy wife, happy life," but statistically men are more likely to kill themselves, so who should be making who happy?
Then a man’s is "happy husband, don’t get bludgeoned."
How do you make sure a rape victim doesn’t testify against you?
Kill her first.
What is a woman?
A walking vagina who nags.
I've the biggest cock. Suck it.