Aed jokes
Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?
He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.
What did Michael say to the boy in his room at sleepovers?
"You are not alone."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't toot when you put meat in it.
"Give me a cigarette," the condemned man said.
"I thought you quit," replied the guard.
"I did, but I don't think it matters anymore."
Dating a German is great because they don't play mind games; they just provide a detailed, 40-page PDF explaining exactly why you are wrong.
History is mostly just a list of things men did while women were busy making sure they didn't die of scurvy.
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
If there's a lieutenant, shouldn't there be a righttenant too? 🤔
What is the difference between gross and kinky according to a Canadian?
Using a toothpick to remove human feces between your teeth after licking another person's ass is gross, but performing a blowjob on a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich, with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise, is kinky.
What is the definition of kinky according to a Canadian?
Giving a blowjob to a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise.
Save the plants, eat a vegan.
You remind me of a pencil.
Why?
Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.
You're so full of shit that you need a colostomy bag to clean you out.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. There was a daycare on the other side.
I think I was a little too harsh on Jason.
Anybody who was conceived in the back of a pickup truck during a family reunion is bound to have a few issues.
Q: What do hookers and kittens have in common?
A: They both get dumped on deserted back roads.
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"
An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.
They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.
"Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.
The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.
"State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."
They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.
"Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.
When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.
"No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."
Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.
The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.
"What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.
"Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.
"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Drake."
"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."
"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."
Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.
Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.
Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.
Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7’s a cunt.