Act jokes

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Act like a nut.

(Psst! Heard this joke before? Sorry! That's the only nut-and-squirrel joke I know.)

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

VOTING FINAL This vote is for the best School Shooter joke of the month.

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke and the Joke of the Month will be announced in the comments tomorrow.

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.

I love ❤️ dogs.

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.

After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."

Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?

A: Make sure to come upstairs!

Why don't you act like an amoeba and split?

Sodomising a physically challenged homophobic heterosexual white male is better than the smallest act of kindness.

This Anonymous guy is acting like Hitler, bro.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

This explaining bear, lol. Bro acts so smart, but he's just AI, and bro uses the worst nicknames. "Buttercup, sweetheart"... like, SWEETIE, get a life and stop roasting us.

Girls being 14, look 18, act 21.

Boys 21, look 18 and act 14.

Why did Dad Man quit acting?

I don’t know either.

She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I’ll be honest... She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.