Accident jokes
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
Memes
Bro looks like his mom dropped him when he was a new born
My great grandfather died in 9/11.
He was such a good pilot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
Did you hear about Paul Walker's rap?
Wrapped around that tree.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
What do you describe Titanic as?
... Broken...
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"