I don't like making Kobe jokes... they always crash and burn.
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"
"It was only the Bass!"
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
Q: What's black, white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
What do you describe Titanic as?
... Broken...
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and the people at the old folks home?
They both collapsed.
