Accident jokes
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.
"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"
"It was only the Bass!"
Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.
Memes
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
What do you describe Titanic as?
... Broken...
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.
Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker... So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and the people at the old folks home?
They both collapsed.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.