Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
Looks like McSkillet McKilledIt.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
Q: A guy walks into a bar, what does he say?
A: Ow!
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
Why did the plane crash in the ocean? Because the pilot saw steward Undercut!
Why did Shelley fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
Little Mickel was on a tree.
He fell down and hurt his knee.
He sat down and started to cry, and from there, he would never lie.
Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.
What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?
We were both caused by broken rubber.
