Accident jokes
Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.
He shouts “you stupid cunt!”
The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”
Dodi replies...:
“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Your mum is so fat, she gets hit by a parked car!
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
I farted, try me. You farted? Oh no, we all farted.
The plane crashed, but I did too on a pillow.
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...
Bro, the airplanes that crashed, darn it, they got MVP!
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
Why did the plane crash?
Because it was being flown by a loaf of bread.
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!
What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?
His elbow.
So Helen Keller walked into a bar, then a stool, then a table, then a door...
If you give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a couple of hours, but if you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life :)
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
What did the chef on the Titanic scream as he tried to finish the dishes? "Oh no, the sink sank!"