Accident jokes
Why did the suicidal man walk in front of the car? To get to the other side.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?
Everywhere!
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
Why did the Titanic sink?
Because the people aboard are stupid.
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
Breaking News! A plane crashes into a bridge.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.
I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.