Accident jokes

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

What's black, white, and red all over?

A nun that fell down the stairs.

What's black, white, and laughing?

The nun that pushed her.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why did Mary fall off the swings?

She got hit by a refrigerator.

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

Q: What's yellow and floats?

A: A bus full of children.