Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?
It was quite a shocker.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
Why can't homosexuals get car insurance?
They've been rear-ended too many times.
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
