Accident jokes

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

What's black, white, and red all over?

A nun that fell down the stairs.

What's black, white, and laughing?

The nun that pushed her.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why did Mary fall off the swings?

She got hit by a refrigerator.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

I wish that people would stop mailing jokes about Kobe Bryant. Guys, all they do is crash and burn!