So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
A blind man walked into a bar, a table, and a chair.
The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.
My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.
A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?
Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!
Why did the orphan cross the road. Because they thought they saw there parents(plot twist the orphan got ran over)
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.
When you realize the shuttle blew up.
Then you realize you're on the shuttle.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
What does the Titanic sell most?
Icebreakers.
When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?
I think that you're an accident!
