Accident Jokes

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

What song does Kobe Bryant hate?

"Rocky Mountain High."

Did you know Paul Walker was a method actor? He took his role very seriously as a human torch.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Why did the parachute refuse to open?

Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

I never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.

Even Bob Ross couldn’t paint a happy little accident like BLESSEDBRIAN

The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.

You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.

What is the difference between women and cars?

At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?

Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown.

What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.