Yours jokes
I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage :)
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
School reminds me of a penis. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.
Yo girl... do you like squirrels, because I'm about to nut in your hole.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.
Your tits look heavy. Need help holding them up?
Free service for tit holding!
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
You're so slow, the sped kid is your tutor.
If you pour paint in your eyes, the paint loses the 't'.
A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.
What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.