Yours jokes

If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)

Why did Hellen Keller's dogs run away?

Because wouldn't you runway too if your name was djhdhekdndyekedhekekfjkfurir?

At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

Your hair line is curved like a moving train.

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

You look too old to be living with your grandma.

I want your weight, not your phone number.

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Tyler is ugly.

If you are called Tyler, change your name.

Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

Your hairline so far back, it's a wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings.

You're so fat, that you're fat.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

Quote of the day:

Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]