Yours jokes
Your hairline is so far back that when I wrote it on a chalkboard, it did not erase.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Daddy bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"
Mummy bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
The reason your dad never came back with the milk is 'cause he ran 88 mph downhill.
When your wife takes 30 minutes to get ready.
Me: Takes five minutes.
Me: Hun, you done yet?
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
You are so hairy, Bigfoot took your picture!
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
Abortion is not murder, it's just canceling your preorder.
Your mama is so slow, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
You're so skinny that a Wi-Fi signal is stronger.
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
You use your legs as support, you count on your fingers.
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
Your mom walked into another bar and broke all the furniture. Again.