You're jokes
Your tits look heavy. Need help holding them up?
Free service for tit holding!
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
You're so slow, the sped kid is your tutor.
If you pour paint in your eyes, the paint loses the 't'.
A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.
What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.
You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.
Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.
Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?
Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.
An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"
And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"
"Why?" says the bully.
"Because you haven't got a tower."
If 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8, then that must mean I can lick your pussy.