You're jokes
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
So, you're into pronouns? Let me she/them titties.
Your hairline is so bad even your gay friend is straighter than it.
Me: Hey, are your parents home?
Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!
Pickup lines in 2022 are like: "Are you Russia? Because your bombs are so big!"
What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one makes your whole week.
When the school shooter breaks into your classroom, so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf, but then the shooter's phone goes off.
You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?
Land ho!
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.