You're jokes

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

You look too old to be living with your grandma.

I want your weight, not your phone number.

How to cure boredom:

If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Tyler is ugly.

If you are called Tyler, change your name.

Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

Your hairline so far back, it's a wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings.

You're so fat, that you're fat.

If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?

Tony Abbott's career.

Quote of the day:

Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]

What is the difference between your dad and a boomerang? The boomerang comes back.

Your hairline is so far back Trump was ashamed.

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?

Who's in my ass?

Your sister.

Why are uncles like curries?

Because bad ones hurt your asshole.

Is your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go wayyyy back?

You're so ugly when a pig saw you, he said, "Yes, my brother is back."

Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.