You're jokes

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

Your mama's so fat, when she jumps in the pool, the water jumps out!

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

What color is your Bugatti?

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Cakatoo."

"Cakatoo who?"

"So, you're a Rooster now?"

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?

Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?

So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.

Your hairline is so big, Niagara Falls said, "Oh, looks like we've got some competition!"

If someone is bullying you for being fat, remember, you're the bigger person, a MUCH bigger person.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.