You're jokes
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”
The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”
Yo momma so delusional, she thought your grandma's Venus flytrap was Audrey II.
If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
Hey, do you know who Dragon248 is? No, who is he? He's dragging these balls off your face.
Is your MBTI type INFP? Cause you're so FiNe.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.
Why is pounding your mom like playing video games?
Because once you start, you just can’t stop until you win!
I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.
Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?
Getting your fingers stuck in there.
Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.
Mom: Well, it’s my house.
Little Johnny: Then go clean it.
Mom: Go to school!
At school:
Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.
Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.
Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!
Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:
White person: Dad, you're home!
Black person: Dad?
White person: You can keep the change.
Black person: Empty the register.
Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.
Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.
My grandad and your hairline go way back.
I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.