You're jokes
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Craps on your organ.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
What's the difference between a cop and bacon?
Bacon is full of fat and makes you feel good. A cop is full of shit and will make you feel their hot steamy cock as they ram it up your ass with some justice sprinkled on top.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
Your hairline is so far back, your barber didn't know where to start.
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
What did the booty say when it was asked to help?
"I've got your backside covered!"