You jokes

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

Prince, I promise you that "qwen" girl you're chatting with is a faker! I am the real lover for you, not her. She's a stranger!

There are two doors leading to Heaven: one for henpecked husbands and one for unhenpecked husbands. The line to the door leading to Heaven for henpecked husbands was five abreast and five miles long. The line leading to the door to Heaven for unhenpecked husbands consisted of only one lonely man.

The guys from the henpecked husband line looked at the one man in the unhenpecked husband line and shout, “Hey, Charlie, why are you standing over there for?” Charlie glances over his shoulder and observes a sea of humanity of henpecked husbands as far as the eye can see and says grudgingly, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do you call it when an orphan takes a photo?

A family photo.

If you bully a kid, bully an orphan.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

You have Chinged your last Chong.

Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?

A: When they are falling from their balcony.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me later!"

When it is quiet when you're having sex and you ask your partner to "Do the roar!"

What do you call an emo kid standing outside the mall?

Anything, he'll cry no matter what you say.

What should you name a dog without any legs?

It doesn't really matter. No matter what you yell, he's not coming.

Why is death taken so lightly?

Because you can take it so quickly.

What do you call a group of gay gamers?

Rainbow Six.

"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.