You Jokes

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Warning, this is dark.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch? Give 'em a Sandy Hook.

What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.

What do you call a pessimistic Mexican?

A Mexican't.

What do you call an orphan taking a family photo? A selfie.

I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.

A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A "MASTER-BAITER".

like this if you have ever been abused.

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?

A self-fie.

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."