You jokes

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

How do you put an end to MeToo? Just fill those combined showers with transgender women.

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What is a joke that will never end even though you want it to?

For me, life.

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.

You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."

What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?

"Juan Direction."

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Hahaha...”

What do you get if you cross an avocado and a Glock?

Glockamole.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A cow with no legs.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Are you a building?

Cuz I rate you 9/11.

What did the North Tower say to the South Tower?...

"Catch you later!"

I have a friend that sells backpacks for a living. You can draw on them using markers of different color variants.

He one day said his business was "remarkable."

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

Have you seen the movie "Constipated?"

It hasn’t come out yet.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.