You jokes

I caught my sister licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that for?" She replied, "I'm doing it for practice for your friends."

Why are you so tired if you can’t see? Because you are blind.

What did the tree say to his sister? Wood you please leaf me alone, you son of a birch?

When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?

European.

Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND CLEAN MY ROOM! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!

Me: I will rape you!

Woman: NOOOOOO!!! I AM TOO SCARED TO GET "RAPED"!

Why do women be like this?

What do you call an idiot who needs to get a life?

The Stigg.

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they don't laugh.

You've heard of anal sex.

You've heard of oral sex.

You've heard of genital sex.

But have you ever heard of NASAL SEX?

If you put your foot in a pond, your foot will get wet.

No joke, I just wasted about 5 or 6 seconds of your life.

What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What do you call an Arab and a black man flying a plane?

Pilots. You racist f*ck.

What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...

Little Jimmy was in the shower singing "Dame Tu Cosita," and her mom heard it and went to the shower, and Jimmy's mom saw Jimmy wearing a bathing suit in the shower, and Jimmy yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!"

The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."

A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.

The teacher asked a young boy in primary school, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

To which the boy replies, "No."

The teacher then sets his homework to learn the alphabet.

At home, the boy goes up to his mum, who is on the phone, and asks, "Can you tell me the alphabet?"

"Shut up," she replied.

The boy goes to his dad, who just won the footie match, and asks, "Can you teach me the alphabet?"

But the dad is too busy celebrating and shouting, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

The boy goes to his big brother and asks him to teach him the alphabet.

But his brother is singing, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The boy goes to his sister and asks her for the alphabet.

But his sister is singing, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

The next day the teacher asks him the alphabet.

The boy replies, "Shut up."

"Alright, I'm sending you to the principal's office right now."

The boy replies, "Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Yeaaahh!"

In the office, the principal says, "Who do you think you are?"

The boy replies, "I'm Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson!"

The principal now says, "How do you think you'll get away with this?"

The boy then replies, "In my big red car, in my big red car!"

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.

What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?

A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.