You jokes

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."

"You is so black your mama fainted."

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?

Standing ovation!

Your forehead so big you got to go outside to think.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

What do you call Canadian weed? Canadabis.

Why don't you wanna taco 'bout it? Cause it's nacho problem!

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"

Friend B: "I was until last night."

Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"

Friend B: "Your sister."

Friend A: "I don't have a sister."

Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."

What do you call Peg and Cat from Peg + Cat? Egg + splat.

Eggy joke for all to enjoy!

What do you call a thirsty girl?

An H2Hoe.

What do you call a nervous zucchini?

An edgy veggie.

Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

Using Pi, distract that fat kid next to you and copy his answers.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.