You jokes

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!

What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane?

A biplane.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.

What do you call an apartment full of black people?

A CON-dominium.

What do you call a group of rappers stuck in traffic?

A cypher circle.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?

A. A backroom deal.

If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.

If you pour paint in your eyes, the paint loses the 't'.

You can get the park in the park with you if I have park in your car, and I will be there in a couple of hours. Would you be able to pick them out at your house, and I will pick you up, and I will be at your place at your convenience. I can get them in a little while. I’m at the park. Bye.

One night a guy asked his wife where she wanted to eat. She said, "Chinese food," so he flew her to China. The next night, he asked her what she wanted to eat. She said, "Indian food," so he flew her to India. The last night, he said, "What do you want to eat?" and she said she wanted nothing, so he flew her to Africa.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.