You jokes
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket!
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?
Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.
Memes
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.
What happens when you have dry elbows at work?
You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.