You jokes

Dad, am I adopted?

NO! Why would I ever choose you?

Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"

You think on a airplane when a muslim guy gets on, people look at him and think... "Aw, fuck."

What do you call a white man farting? "British Gas."

When you fail art school.

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

What do you call a man with a curly toe?

Carlito.

WATERSHARKY DISS TRACK - by Firesharky

You smell like you farted FARTED harded HARDED A B Honor Roll. All Fs, you r*tarded. OHHHH!

What do you call a rapper who LOVES nature?

MC Green

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

What do you call an infant with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

What do you call a girl who is thirsty for water?

An H2hoe.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them. XD

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

You're so small you went surfing on an ice lolly!