You jokes
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting? Octopied.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
The pose I pulled when my mom caught me doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing
Question: Why can't you trust a tree?
Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.
When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"
Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.
You wanna hear a joke? It's YOU.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
How do you make an eight-year-old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear after you’ve raped her.
Did you hear Stephen Hawking has a new book out?
It's about time!
There are 6 kinds of vitamins. Wanna know how the 6th vitamin was made? Just ask the Ku Klux Klan, they will tell you.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? - Carlos.
How do you know if a rapist loves you?
He will rape you many times.
What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.
Like if you think rape jokes are funny.
There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves.
The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head."
The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
You watch 50 Shades of Grey, and you turn grey in bed.
What do you say when an emo cuts themself?
"Like your cut, G."