You jokes
You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?
Q: What do you call a blonde with only two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
What do you call a terrorist on a wheelchair?
C4.
What does a gun and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Have you heard the 9/11 joke yet?... It was pretty fire.
Memes
You know what I said to the chair? "Sit!" But it didn't move. Hahaha!
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
If you're waiting for a waiter at a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?
If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?
Doesn't having depersonalization mean that you're like the animatronics off of FNAF/Five Nights at Freddy's?
(If you don't know what depersonalization is, look it up.)
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and a cow?
You can't milk the same cow for 15 years.
What did the plane say to the twin towers?
"Lmao, you twins don't know how to play Jenga. Here, let me show you how!" (BOOM) ;)
What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
What do you call a selfie that an orphan takes?
A family picture.
Do you want to know how the NY Jets got their name?
What do you call a blind German? A not-see Nazi.
Sans: What do you have there?
Frisk: A KNIFE!
Sans: NOO!!!
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.